I was going to start writing my blog or my Isolation King Lear last night and then I watched the Vicar of Dibley instead. I laughed. I was going to get up and do some exercise but then I watched forty five minutes of Corona virus news updates on my phone instead. I numbed. I was going to be a nice chilled anything goes mother but then I yelled at everyone and kicked them off their devices instead. CILL time 17 minutes. I was going to bake bread but I can just fucking buy it. Or get some out of the freezer. Its not like I ever wanted to bake bread before this shit storm (evidence - have never done it), Yes, I'd like to be the kind of person who bakes bread and I admire those that do, and I certainly will if I have to to eat, but do I really want to? DO I? NO.
Everyday I think about how I am going to 'get into it today', 'get better', get fitter', 'get baking', 'kondo the condo', 'get more done'. Start crossing off the to-dos on my list and engage with brain, heart, lungs, children, husband, dog, garden, friends, vulnerable people. Everything has changed and yet nothing has changed in my head, I'm still whipping myself with my to do list and then rubbing hand sanitiser into the whip marks when I fail to tick them off.
Feeling unbelievably unhappy. Should I have adapted by now? Where's that huge social media stick I am measuring myself by? Oh yes, its the same device I'm using to keep connected and apparently sane.
Yesterday I did some paid work and other wise, I just managed. I managed some laundry and cooking and puzzle and dishes and a long walk. A lovely long walk.
Because the world has changed and will not ever be the same. There will be a world and we will get back out there. And it will be a world less populated and a lot sadder for the people we will mourn and harder to find and keep a job. We will as a species adapt and survive, and we may even get better at being humans on the planet.
But I will not be okay if I continue to measure myself with the social media stick, or do what I think I should, rather than what I need to do. What helps me through the day varies. I manage. I can't do what may work for other people.
While the front line health care workers slog their hearts out looking after the desperately sick and dying, and the government workers slog their hearts out trying to keep it all going and informed and PPE'd and the supermarket heroes stack for us, I am sitting at home healthy and with the luxury of all this time to engage in my latest free online course of Getting to know Gina 101. You poor suckers. Feel free to stop reading right now. Turns out I was the zombie all along in this apocalypse.
2 comments:
Why are we so hard on ourselves? I look at you and think; amazing mum, funny, intelligent, welcoming, kind, hard working, interesting, engaged, loyal and loving. I know I do the smame to myself, sometimes I wish I could wear other people's glasses and see what they see.
Thankyou Unknown! I'd like a pair of those glasses too, we could call them the 'Be kind like AUnty Jacinda' Range
Post a Comment