The meaning of words

I cannot think of a suitable way to tell people that I have had a miscarriage. Lost the baby. Was pregnant but am not anymore. I am not in denial, it is just that I have a problem with the words failing so miserably to convey the way I am feeling.

Firstly 'miscarriage'. It seems to imply that I was, initially, capable of carrying the most precious thing in the world, then I managed through ignorance, stupidity or naivety to mis-carry, let the little dot slip from my grasp. Surely medical terminology can come up with something kinder than that word? - then again, perhaps not, if the medical description of 'not viable', (a term surely coined by a middle aged man with a business degree) is anything to go by.

Then there is 'lost baby'. Like I put it down somewhere in my absentminded-ness and cripes! I just can't think where I jolly well left it!? Lost and gone forever.

But it isnt lost - it's still with me. And I will carry it in my memory, 7 weeks of joy are worth remembering and celebrating. In a similar way the term 'grieving' sits badly. Do I have the right to grieve for 7 weeks of joy? I know this is a light load to carry in comparison with the millstones of many on this planet.

The meaning of the words, and the words are, irrelevant. Its my personal feeling that I am entitled to feel. And if I need someone to know how I am feeling, I need only think of the women who also know this feeling. There are many of us, and somehow, knowing that is soothing.