Scraping the bottom of the barrel this morning, I hope, or the bottom so far, was when I wept all over Notre Dame's usually small and fiddly shaped fragments. Piecing together the exquisitely carved stone facades helped. It just let my mind find some calm in the face of panic, in the fear of what? why? well, I feel stymied at the thought of the loss. So many of someone's loved ones - real lives with hearts and minds and families that love and hate them - human and imperfect and annoying as they probably are, genius and quirky and unique. That is a heavy sea anchor. This is the jelly I swim in . I know we have to stay home and I'm actually fine with that. Its a way of helping that leaves me feeling helpless. I stayed in the jelly with the pieces until I could stand up without crying again. Success uses a lot of precious bog roll sometimes.
I also scrapped yesterdays regime and replaced it with another. Do what you like, whenever you like. I am no teacher, no time tabler, no crowd manager, no people whisperer. I deal with the broken one at a time, hands on, heart on, so don't ask me to manage your schooling. I'm there for sustenance and encouragement. I love you to bits but can't teach you mathematics. Child.
After an hour of two of spires and twirley window panes of the french style and some serious edging wins, I made lunch, and - new regime of meeting them at their interests - kept my teen and preteen bubble mates at the table long enough for a card game of shi'thead in the sunshine. Next we all marched off for a family plus dog walk up into the bush. I managed a tictoc video with our daughter.
We went to virtual assembly and put out our bears for anyone going to catch a big one and are not scared. I managed some work sitting on the trampoline, a novel experience and one that my pelvic floor tolerated (I did say sitting, not leaping), did some more work and a whanau yoga session on the interweb. Dinner included a 123 beer bread which is wonderful but involves a sacrificial lager. (Best early on in the lock down in case beer becomes as precious as bog roll.)
Then we officially opened the Fungeon with an inaugural family dungeons and dragons session. Had a bag of chips. Amazing friday night larikins. I am a dragon born bard, and claim a toll of 2 giant spiders which have died at my hands. I gained an elixir of life that claims to cure all illnesses, so watch this space (can you guess what I'm thinking there?)
Mostly, I am trying to find new normal. I see its no use trying to find it in other people's suggestions, as much as knowing is empowering and comforting in a shared challenge way. Just do whatever the fuck you like.
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